A Tetris Movie is in the Works!

"Brands are the new stars of Hollywood. We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing. We certainly have the canvas for location-based entertainment based on the epicness. What you [will] see in ‘Tetris’ is the teeny tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance."

-Larry Kasanoff, CEO of Threshold Entertainment

My first instinct after seeing this article was to just let it slide. We live in a post-Lego Movie world, after all. Something smelled off about this though. Like, they were trying really, really hard to ward off the stench of bullshit.

So I looked into this guy, Larry Kasanoff. The article mentions he was a producer on the Mortal Kombat movie and its sequels, and mentions nothing else he has been a part of. Mortal Kombat came out almost 20 years ago though, what has he been doing with himself in the meantime?

As it turns out, he’s been making Lego Movies and location-based entertainment. Not The Lego Movie that came out in theaters, the straight-to-DVD ones that I haven’t seen so cannot comment of the quality of. And location-based entertainment apparently means those little movies that play at theme-parks, like this Marvel cartoon that plays at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for some reason, and Hershey’s Really Big 3D Show, which looks utterly god-damned horrifying. So far he seems to specialize in things that should not exist.

Then I see he was a producer, writer, and director on a film called Foodfight, which tripped a memory wire in my brain. I recall seeing this movie back when I first discovered IMDb, initially scheduled for release in 2003. I had assumed that it simply never came out, but I was so, so wrong. From what I can tell, $45 million was sunk into this unpolished turd about a private dog detective named Dex Dogtective who dresses like Indiana Jones and runs a nightclub in the evenings, helping famous food mascots defend themselves from the evils of the no-name brand. That’s right, all your favorites are here: The Vlasic Stork, Chef Boyardee, Mrs. Butterworth, and other zero-dimensional icons. This is where it hits me.

"Brands are the new stars of Hollywood."

This has been this guy’s mantra for the last decade. He made what looks to be the worst movie ever made off of this. Making films for Hershey’s and Lego and Marvel was just building up this reputation. His dream is to have entertainment controlled EVEN MORE TIGHTLY by monolithic international corporations, to better sell to you with Twinkie cowboys and rock and roll raisins. This is who this guy is. 

So really, Tetris is the best thing for him. Yeah, there’ll be a movie tie-in to link up with whatever the fuck they’re thinking of doing with it, maybe a theme park ride with Jon Cryer as the L-piece, but you can’t really hurt Tetris. Tetris is eternal. I can find 100 knock-offs of it right now. Any first-year programming student could probably build their own version overnight. No matter what form of monstrosity this movie is, I can and will still respect Tetris for the brilliant puzzle game of my youth. Kasanoff can’t hurt me now.

I’ll end with this; the final line from a blurb about Threshold Entertainment ON THEIR OWN WEBSITE:

Threshold does not publish information on its films in development so as to prevent slimy little weasels from stealing – we mean, for reasons of creative integrity.”

Really? Really.

Numbers as letters is confirmed! They still might change their minds. Remember when 5nal Destination was the name of a movie? No? Good.
Tak-Threen actually hits North America on Jan 9.

Numbers as letters is confirmed! They still might change their minds. Remember when 5nal Destination was the name of a movie? No? Good.

Tak-Threen actually hits North America on Jan 9.

(Source: aintitcool.com)

Played 424 times

2K

CASH MONEY (CASH MONEY)

IN THE CAR WITH HONEYS

DRIVIN’ WAY TOO FAST

I GOT WATER IN MY GLASS (CASH MONEY)

PRIVATE PLANES

YOU CAN’T STOP THE PARTY (CASH MONEY)

WE’RE OLD BUT WE’RE AWESOME

WE’RE GONNA GET MARRIED

IT’S A GREAT IDEA

WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

THIS WAS A MISTAKE

WHAT?

Speakeasy - John Mulaney

Oh look, it’s my two favourite comedians talking to each other. Again, this is Speakeasy, the webshow where Paul F. Tompkins interviews Hollywood types over drinks. It is always funny and interesting, so go watch it already!

Seriously, this one has 29 views right now, and two of those are me.

I’ve Been Tagged in a Meyers-Briggs Chain Thingy

TAG GAME: CHARACTERS WHO SHARE THE SAME PERSONALITY TYPE AS YOU

It’s a game that’s fun for everyone, because everyone should be able to find cool people on a list containing 1/16th of all characters ever.

If you don’t know your personality type, take the test here.

Rules: Find out what characters share the same personality type as you here and list the characters that you find relevant below. Then tag five friends and let them know you tagged them.

My Personality: INTP
"INTPs are loners with a love of information and a knack for logic. This can lead to Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, but also the opposite, as INTPs are best at describing complex ideas concisely. They are independent, creative, and curious. They are basically the ‘nerds’ of MBTI; that is certainly not a bad thing.”

I’m pretty sure this is what I scored on this test years ago, so good on me for being consistant. Here are some people that “scored” the same.

Jack Bauer from “24”
Quote: “I can make you die with more pain than you ever imagined.”

Dr. Zoidberg from “Futurama”
Quote: “Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!

How fucking useful is a personality test that puts Jack Bauer and Zoidberg in the same category? Not, is what I’m saying.

Dr. Gil Grissom from “CSI: Original Flavour”
Quote: “It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it ‘The Killer Orgasm.’”

Dr. Algernop Krieger from “Archer”
Quote: “Stop. My penis can only get so erect.”

This one actually does feel like two sides of the same coin. Like, if Gil’s dad was a nazi scientist instead of a botanist, he’d have a clone army and a holographic anime girlfriend too.

Pavel Chekov from “Star Trek”
Quote: “Nuclear Wessels”

Data from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”
Quote: “It would appear that my program designed to predict emotional responses needs… adjustment. 

Geordi LaForge from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”
Quote: “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high.”

The Doctor from “Star Trek: Voyager”
Quote: “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, so you can imagine how I feel about being called names.

Star Trek engineers and artificial lifeforms. Three of them eventually become captains.

Peter Parker from “Spider-Man”
Quote: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Reed Richards from “Fantastic Four”
Quote: “A few days in space. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Bruce Banner/The Hulk from “The Incredible Hulk”
Quote: *sad hulk music*

Here’s some super-heroes, all scientists, all Marvel. Spider-Man is my childhood favorite, so that makes me happy. Hulk should definitely be a different personality type though

Curt Conners from “Spider-Man”
Quote: “I work in darkness. The Lizard wants out. It’s time I stopped ignoring him.

Otto Octavius from “Spider-Man”
Quote: “The Sweet air of freedom is once again mine to breathe. It shall not be taken from me again!

The Joker from “Batman”
Quote: “If I weren’t crazy, I’d be insane!

Ra’s Al Ghul from “Batman”
Quote: “Criminals thrive on the indulgence of society’s understanding.

And here’s some super-villains. Interesting to see Doc Ock in the same category, since he recently forced his way into being the new Spider-Man. But how are The Joker and Ra’s Al Ghul in the same ballpark? Ra’s is committed to order and balance, but The Joker is all chaos.

Abed Nadir from “Community”
Quote: “Chaos already dominates enough of our lives; the universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it, but to weather it, together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare beautiful things we know to be predictable.

April Ludgate from “Parks and Recreation”
Quote: “I don’t want to do things. I want to not do things.”

Mr. Feeny from “Boy Meets World”
Quote: “If you let people’s perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person.”

Again, here’s three sitcom characters who don’t seem to be in the same boat, yet I feel connected to all of them. Feeny teaches, Abed observes, and April just hates everyone. Or pretends to.

Armin Arlert from “Attack on Titan”
Quote: “Clueless people who care about saving their own skin will unwittingly set humanity on a path towards self-destrucion!

Colonel Quaritch from “Avatar”
Quote: “That is one big damn tree!”

Two soldiers. Something tells me Armin would have sided with the Na’vi though.

John McClain from “Die Hard”
Quote: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Dominic Toretto from “The Fast and the Furious”
Quote: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Unkillable action heroes. They value family and friends, and don’t mind blowing shit up to save them. 

Chandler Bing from “Friends”
Quote: “I say more dumb things before 9 AM than most people say in a day.”

Brian Griffin from “Family Guy”
Quote: “Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up

Brian is just a boozed-up, canine Chandler. And Chandler is my favorite Friend.

Walter Bishop from “Fringe”
Quote: “Well, we’re all victims of our own gene pool. Someone must have peed in yours.

Sure, why not. Genius-level intelligence, poor decision-making skills.

Dorothy Ann from “Magic School Bus”
Quote: “Oh, our concerto will be ruined. All the other schools will laugh at us, and it’ll be the end of the world as we know it.”

This is bullshit. Everyone knows I’m a Carlos.

James, the Green Rectangle from “Thomas Was Alone”
Quote: “James had always been different. And not different in that kooky ‘OMG you’ve totally got to meet my mate James, he is literally insane!’ kind of way.”

Stop the presses, we have a winner! 

I tag no one, because I don’t believe in that shit.